Why Punishing Yourself Doesn't Work

I've seen people try just about anything you can think of to stop themselves from compulsively going online for sexual content. I've seen what works to sustainably change unwanted behavior and a lot of what doesn't.

Many of my clients have tried setting up consequences for themselves if they relapse again. They hope this will provide the extra motivation they'll need to resist the urges when they come. These consequences can take a few different forms.

Commonly, these consequences involve money. Perhaps they give a friend $500, instructing that friend only to return the money if they don't relapse in the next month. Or if they do PMO, they'll commit to donating money to a political party or cause they most disagree with.

Money isn't always involved. Others choose to remove privileges after a relapse, live forbidding themselves from watching TV or spending time with friends for the next few days.

But there's a fundamental reason that this strategy does not work. Just by relapsing, you're already hurting yourself. There are powerful reasons why you want to stop. Maybe PMO has taken away your ability to enjoy real intimacy. Maybe you've lost a relationship or stand to lose one. Maybe it's robbed you of your ability to feel good about yourself or focus on real life.

After using, you probably feel like shit. You broke your commitment to yourself again. You feel weak, regretful, and ashamed.

You can see how relapse is its own punishment. If feeling this wretched after using hasn't so far helped you stay clean, then why would heaping more punishment on top make the difference. If something doesn't work, the answer is not often to do more of that thing. The answer is usually to take a different approach.

Or multiple different approaches. I'll be straight with you: there's probably no one tip or trick that will allow you to break the cycle. It takes a comprehensive approach to really change your life. You need new skills and habits, strong supportive relationships and accountability, new ways of processing and handling emotions, and more. Read my book if you haven't yet to learn the fundamentals. You can get the PDF for free to your inbox here.

Even though I've said extra punishments probably won't help, some consequences can. Ask yourself, "What more could I do that would help me live pornfree, but I haven't done yet because it's intimidating?"

• Some common answers include,
• Find a therapist or coach.
• Open up about your struggle to a friend or family member and ask for help.
• Delete or destroy your stash of material.
• Join a support group like PAA or the group I run.
• Buy into a recovery program like the addiction recovery course I offer.
• Install more stringent protections or accountability software on your devices.
• Replace a risky device like a smartphone with something safer that cannot browse the web.

You get the idea. If you relapse, you should take that as evidence that you need to take new action in order to get different and better results. Recovery-oriented consequences like these can actually help propel you forward when you need it most, even if the fear of doing them doesn't keep you on your path.

I got a short letter recently that I want to read to you now:

Before joining the Reboot community, I was depressed, lonely and convinced I could handle recovery alone (spoiler alert: I couldn't). Then I came across Noah, and one session completely changed my outlook. I joined the group soon after.

The impact was life-changing.

Being part of a community of men who shared similar struggles, most importantly without judgment, was incredibly freeing. The space Noah created felt safe, supportive, and genuine. Since I joined, I’m in a completely different place: happily married, with a beautiful baby, and deeply grateful for Noah and the Reboot community. I still go to meetings because they're still amazing for my growth in recovery and life in general.

I've seen our RSD community make a huge difference for many men, so that's my proposal to you. Commit now: if you relapse again, you'll sign up for a month to our group and attend a weekly meeting.

I'll hope…to not see you there because you didn't relapse.