How do I warn the kids in my life about the dangers of porn?

I've got a letter from a recovering porn addict who is doing really well in his own journey. However, he has begun to see the same changes in his nephew that he saw in himself when he got hooked on porn at a young age. What can he do about it?

Anon's letter

Hey Noah, I was at my sister's house the other day and I noticed my nephew is low energy, lethargic, procrastinating on homework, etc. He's previously been a really bright/lively kid, and I would chalk it up to puberty if I hadn't seen the same things in myself when I was his age after finding porn. I'm not 100% sure of course, but it's a definite possibility. Especially after my sister told me he's regularly staying up in his room with his electronics till early hours of the morning and sleeps through the day a lot, and is starting to have trouble in school with keeping up with homework, all things I remember doing.

Either way, I want to at least have the discussion with her just so she's aware if she's not already. Maybe show her some blockers and talk about what porn did in my life, while still respecting her parenting style. I wish that somebody had talked to me about it and nipped it in the bud before I flushed away so many years and almost landed at a dead end, I really don't want to see that happen to my nephew. Anyway any tips or pointers for approaching the conversation would be helpful. I rewatched Gary Wilson's Ted Talk presentation again and it struck me as kind of outdated, are there any newer resources you could recommend watching together with her?

Thanks, Anon

My response

I’m glad you recognized the signs and want to do something about this, Anon. Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life. Is your sister already aware of your own struggle with porn and how it affected your life? If not, then I think that’s your first step.

I recommend you ask ahead of time if you can set a time to talk to her about something personal and important to you. This prepares them for a more serious conversation and also gives them agency. She can say yes or no, and when she has already said yes, she’s going to be more invested in listening attentively and helping you out.

It’s important to share the important facts, but you don’t have to share all the details. Some points you should probably hit (depending on what’s true for you):

• “Like many other boys and men, I started looking at porn quite young (share the age) and used it regularly for most of my life.”
• “At some point, I realized that what I thought was harmless entertainment was actually having a lot of negative effects on me (talk about whatever symptoms brought you to this journey).”
• “I decided not to watch it anymore. But despite my best efforts, I kept going back to it for some reason, no matter how much I regretted it afterward. I did some research and found that like cigarettes, alcohol, or gambling, some people who use porn have a really hard time quitting, no matter how much they want to. I had to admit to myself that I was addicted to it." (Using the addiction language is optional.)
• “I got help and support and I’m doing a lot better now. I’ve experienced X benefits and am finally excited for life again.”

The Gary Wilson TED talk can be a good one to watch with your sister at this point.

 There’s also this 2015 presentation that I gave on how porn affects the brain.

But you should probably just go for this 25-minute animated explainer about the harms of porn.

Or even this super short animated explainer about porn addiction.

There are also these two longer documentaries I recommend to watch either with your sister, your nephew, or both.

Documentary from Fight the New Drug: https://brainheartworld.org/

Documentary from a couple of New Zealander filmmakers that I was a part of. https://vimeo.com/ondemand/ourkidsonline

You’ll probably want to watch each of these on your own first to decide which would be best to share with your family.

It’s important to also mention that social media, video platforms, and video games can all have similar super-stimulating effects with consequences on one’s well being, though they tend not to be as severe as with Internet porn consumption.

Once you’ve watched a video with your sister and answered any questions she has, that when I’d tell her the following:

• “I’ve noticed recently some behavior changes in your son, and honestly it reminds me a lot of the changes in myself when I got hooked on porn at a young age. Has you ever talked to him about porn or any of the other dangers of the Internet and technology use?”
• “There are tech options available to make his devices safer and give you an alert if he’s accessing unsafe content, and those can be helpful. I can send you some options later if you want.”
• “However, instead of just trying to control and restrict him, I think it’s much better to have honest and open conversations with him about all this. I think if someone has educated me on how harmful porn could be to my future, it might not have stopped me from looking at it completely, but I think it would have helped tremendously.”
• “What I know wouldn’t have helped is being shamed or punished for what I was doing. I think that would have just made me hide it better and never want to talk about what was going on with my parents again.”
• “If you want me to be a part of that or want me to talk to him first, I’d be happy to. It would break my heart to see him go through the same things I’ve struggled with.”

If the conversation with your sister goes well, then you’ll probably be talking with your nephew next. I recommend you:

• Open the conversation while doing an activity. It can be easier to talk about embarrassing or hard things while doing something else, like hiking, shooting hoops, etc.
• Start by telling your own story. Again, you don’t need to get into all the grisly details, but our own stories have way more power to influence our loved ones than scientific studies or documentaries.
  Help him feel safe to ask you any questions he has.
• At some point, if he hasn’t opened up already, you can tell him the truth: that you felt moved to talk with him about this because you’ve noticed some changes in him, and those changes remind you of yourself when you started using porn. Then you can ask if your suspicion is right or if there’s something else going on. Whatever it is, he can talk to you about it.

It’s important to model the ability to talk about your mistakes and imperfections. A big mistake that parents and other adults make is hiding their own regrets and messes. That only teaches kids to hide their problems.

Good luck on this, Anon.