"Recovering from PIED in secret as I prepare to get married" - Good idea?

Feb 06, 2023
I've got an email today from a rebooter with PIED, trying to recover in secret while dating the woman he hopes to marry.

Anon's words are in italics. My comments and responses are in bold.

My porn addiction started when l was in final year at basic school. I was ignorant of the addictive behaviour of porn and its adverse effects until 1st year at the University when l realized that l couldn't sleep in the night if l don't masturbate to porn.

It's amazing how insidiously compulsive behaviors can entrench themselves in your lives. It happens in such a way that it can be decades before you realize what's happened. Luckily, you realized fairly early and have a great opportunity to set the stage for the rest of your life!

I began to look for ways to quit. I tried to abstain from porn but for a few days until l got to final year at the University when l realized that l have developed PIDE. I tried quitting once more and with a lot of determination l was able to go for 5 months without porn. However I fell heavily into my old habits and started masturbating to porn again; l could do that for more than 4 times a day.

I've seen many people follow this same pattern, using the initial burst of motivation to abstain for months, before gradually or quickly falling back into old the porn trap. It can be very difficult to recreate the traction you had in the initial period of determination, but real recovery is very possible with the right guidance and support.

Going through this alone is like trying to climb a technical mountain solo. You only have the skills, equipment, and expertise you've prepared. You have to rely only on your own mental strength. If anything goes wrong, you're in real danger.

But when you climb with a team, you can watch out for each other. Some people will be better climbers than you, able to teach you new skills. Some will have climbed this mountain before and know the best routes and the dangers. Some will need your help, inspiring you to rise to the occasion. And you all enjoy the camaraderie you give each other. In the Rebooter Support and Discussion group that I run, we have several meetings week that provide just these advantages to men on this journey. It really makes a huge difference, and it's only $40USD per month on my Patreon.


I recently found out a couple of months ago that l wasn't getting morning wood. I decided to engage in real sex only for me to realize that l couldn't sustain an erection. The problem now is that l have found this girl that l like so much. She is pretty and the family likes me so much.

For anyone out there struggling with porn who doesn't yet have a pretty girl in your life to heal for, know that it's best to go pornfree and heal before you meet her!

The parents wants me to marry her asap. She used to be a hookup girl and recently turned a new leaf after meeting me. Her parents believe the girI's life turned around after meeting me and they want me to pay her bride price asap. I like her so much and would want to settle down with her but my PIED is killing me. I have been relying on tadalafil to please her sexually at her blind side.

Not gonna lie, there are some red flags there. You call her a hookup girl, which makes me think that she has a history of casual sex and a lack of commitment or depth. It can feel great to be that guy that inspires her to get married and change her ways, but it takes time to really know a person and their intentions. The best predictor of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. People absolutely can change, but if I were you I wouldn't be in a rush to marry. It sounds like you're already sexually active, so what's the rush? You're both young and have time. If the love you share is true and enduring, then it can withstand a longer dating period or engagement. Marriage is a contract. A permanent one, as much as contracts can be permanent. Give it time to make sure that you both really want to spend the rest of your lives building a family together.

Once a while, l am able to sustain an erection and penetrate her without tadalafil. Other times too, it's a complete failure and she ends up assuming that l am probably tired that's why l couldn't sustain an erection. She has once questioned me on why l couldn't sustain an erection for about three consecutive sexual engagement. She is completely unaware of my situation and  will most definitely leave me after finding out because of the life she used to live. I have been able to convince her that we stay off sex for 8 months till she is done with her final college exams and l am also done with my exams. Even though she was reluctant but she agreed, l am scared of not recovering by the end of the 8 months and loosing her. She is somebody l will love to spend the rest of my life with. My life is a complete mess. Porn has ruined me. 

I don't know her, but if she's willing to stay with you when you have ED of unknown cause that may never get better, I would think that knowing the cause and knowing it's temporary would only help matters. Plus, she has a varied sexual history so is probably less likely to judge your own past porn use. I think you're way off the mark by keeping this secret from her and just avoiding all sex for 8 months. It would be so much better if you had her full understanding and support. Then she could not only help you rewire your sexuality, but she could help inspire you to stay pornfree. If your relationship survives this, you'll also be stronger as a couple than ever, because you've persevered through adversity together and leaned on each other.

This may sound harsh, but if the relationship doesn't survive the truth, then the marriage wasn't going to work anyway.

Is there hope for me?

Yes. Just do yourself a favor by getting into my Group and talking to your lady. Watch/read this one for a guide on how to have that conversation.

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