He Hid a Dark Secret for 15 Years (and Finally Told His Fiancée)

I've got a letter today from a man who fell down a particular rabbit hole of porn addiction.

Anon's words are in italics. My comments and responses are in bold.

Hey Noah,

Hope you're having a lovely day.

I know I am, after joining your program, and finally taking the steps I probably should have 10 years ago. Better late than never, I suppose.

The best time to plant a tree was 10 years ago. The second best time is now. Don't let the regret of past inaction hold you back from doing what you can now. Every single man I've worked with has had some degree of this regret. I get it. But we've got to get over it.

A little bit of background info about me is in order. I'm 27 years old, turning 28 this year. I'm also getting married in a couple of months, right before my birthday. I guess the most important piece of information about me right now is that I've been addicted to pornography in various forms, and other kinds of compulsive sexual behavior, for around 15 years.

I'm sure you've heard this a million times before, so I'm not gonna bore you with the details. Started very early, around 10 years old (although I can't be sure about that), and never really realized I had a problem until trying to have sex for the first time. PIED, again pretty typical scenario, and in my desperate search for answers I stumbled upon the NoFap movement, and along with it, one of your videos (it was the Mystery Box Show talk that you gave).

Of course, I decided to give it a try, and to no surprise it worked. Only a couple of days into my first streak, I was able to lose my virginity and have sex without any real issues. I was so happy I finally found the answer to my problem that I decided to keep the streak going, for a whole 30 days! To this day, that is the longest streak I ever achieved.

That's a remarkably fast recovery! I'm guessing you were an every-day user if it only took a few days to recover enough to have sex. That's a good thing. But it can get worse if you keep relapsing.

I guess this is a good time to introduce my other problem, which really is the main problem, and that is...catfishing, essentially. Not for financial gain, or any other nefarious purposes, but for over 10 years, I've been going to different chat rooms, and pretending to be someone I'm not, for the purposes of roleplay and fantasy. Over the years I must have created dozens of different accounts, using real pictures of real people, making up fake stories and fake lives and essentially living out my fantasies through that.

In all honesty, that is what hurts me the most. Those are real people, somewhere out there. I'm stealing someone's pictures, making up fake identities, sometimes almost to the point of forgetting who I am in the process. It is my deepest, and most shameful and terrible secret. At least it was, until a couple of days ago.

Escalation is the name of the game. Most everyone I work with has escalated in some way(s). This can be as simple as increasing the time or frequency of use, but often it includes upping the intensity. Many will seek out more and more explicit or extreme imagery. Others will start paying for custom content or attention on a platform like OnlyFans. Some will start pushing their porn-induced desires in real relationships or paying for sex. And some will find other ways to get their thrills, such as catfishing. You're definitely not the first person I've heard this from.

I couldn't tell you what exactly compelled me, but a couple of days ago I decided that enough is enough, and told my fiance everything. When I say everything, I really do mean everything, she is the first person I ever told any of this. I must be the luckiest idiot in the world, because to my surprise she reacted...amazingly well. She instantly offered support, understanding, empathy, and talked to me about getting help. Truly, I don't know what I did to deserve her.

Congratulations, man. It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up like that. It doesn't always go as well as it did for you, but it goes well way more often than people fear.

I joined your course, just the server for now but I will definitely be looking into other forms of coaching in the near future. I made steps to take away my ability to engage in that behavior. Since moving in with her, it's easier because all I have to do is stop taking my phone into the bathroom.

One more point I would like to touch on, and it's also something I talked to my fiance about. I feel like I need to...atone, somehow, for all I've done. She told me to just move on and let it die, but the guilt is eating at me like never before. I've had moments of guilt before, but this feels all consuming. Partially, it's what made me do all this in the first place. Putting my story out there, and admitting to my deepest, darkest secret, feels like the first step in the process of atonement. I haven't thought of anything concrete yet, I have no idea if there's even anything I can do.

Our stories are powerful. Thank you for sharing it with us here. I know it will help others out there.

In the interest of not boring you to death, I'll end this letter here. Even just typing this out had a positive effect, I think, but trust me, I'm very much aware of how long this journey is going to be.

Hope to hear back from you, and thank you.